Nervousness, anxiety and anticipatiom coursed through me, as I thought of the best way to broach the topic,
Words had been running through my my mind from the first time I realised I was in love (or well, may be besotted, cant still tell). The moment had come, I had revised for the last few hours and I was confident on how to say it, I could speak my mind, I could pour all the anguish from me, share my feelings.
The fear of how my confession would be recievd was slowing me down, I had to be careful, it could go either way, I would end up with a smile, kiss or a slap in my face , this was treading in very dangerous waters!
I feared a melt down and thus decided to wait until I could get her alone, to talk to her face to face. That was proving to be an up hill task, she was either too busy or just ignoring me,
What the hell? I could as well do it in an IM (Instant Messenger) and so I scouted for the best moments.
“I would love to tell you…….But I don’t know how
Or when………Am so afraid
So afraid of how you would take it”
Did I say that? That was so Lame!
“Ee,is that a song?”
I couldn’t hide my disappointment, clearly she had no idea what I was blabbering about, but now that I had laid it out there I had to get over with it! My heart was doing several tens above the normal as I thought of my next words
This would be the make or break line, I started regreting ever trying to say anyithing as I had already aroused her curiosity enough for me to back down
“no, those are my words to you”
I could only imagine what was going through her mind as she read my reply, did anything irk a feeling of what I was I about to say? did she feel like she didn’t like where this was going, but out of politeness let me? This I will never know!
All those questions ran through my mind in the seconds that it took her to reply to my above statement
“its kind of weird, depending on how you look at it” (:|
I continued to blabber
By this time my brow was wet with perspiration!
Was I really going through with it? Would I actually confess my attraction to her?
I had come this far to back down! To hell!
Wassup? are you having issues?
She enquired patiently
“yeah you can call them that, issues with the heart
sorry if i offend you but am kinda very attracted to you”
There, I had finally said it!
But wait a minute, how was she taking it?
Oh no, she was laughing at me she thought I was the biggest joke this side of the universe! Oh No! My heart was crashed!
She was laughing? RIGHT? So it wasn’t the end of the world! That in itself was I relief
“Well,this is er..a surpise
am flattered too as well as shocked.
but I dont know how I can help dear”
She delivered the punchline, clearly, no saccharine words to lead me on (This was one hell of a gal)
And with that, my world was no longer black or white, I started noticing the shades of grey that I had disregarded for the past few months
But, well atleast she wasn’t mad at me and didn’t hate me, or so she said
For the minutes that followed,
my most inate feelings,
I felt like I had fucked up big time,
She tried reassuring me that it was ok to speak out, but deep down I knew, I felt that it was too soon to speak out, “the words were out there, i couldn’t take them back”
The days that followed were a blur, I dreaded going to work, I felt imaginary eyes on me and I knew, I thought I had ruined my life. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe, JUST MAYBE she had shared my secret to someone who would otherwise had shared it to everyone I knew (this was among my darkest instances)
On her part, well, she did everything to avoid me (at least it seemed that way), I hated myself for scaring her, alienating her
I tried everything to bridge the gap thet was widening each waking day between us, I wanted to apologise too (I felt I should), I tried but she said all was ok. I could only do that much. I decided to let it go but with a very heavy heart. That weekend I drunk myself silly (hey, am not proud of how I dealt with that-please don’t judge)
Much is under the bridge now, and am happy that after all the self inflicted drama, she is my friend. A really special friend and I plan on being there for her in anyway I can as long she will let me.
Do I still regret that I confessed to her? The answer is a big No! at least now that we are friends, I don’t have to lie to her about my life, she knows me, no pretence, JUST ME and that only a handful of friends can say.